New ATM Ideas From a Maniac

From: Brad Fith  To: ****, Lindsay Subject: ATM Ideas Hello Lindsay, I have an interesting idea and I was told that you were the one I should contact. From what I understand, you work for the top company in the automated banking world so I'm sure that you can at least give me some insight or point me in the right direction. I've come up with several ideas that would revolutionize the banking world!!! Most of them came to me in......

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A Letter to a Forestry Service about Yard Work to Clean Up After a Lunatic Levels the Yard in an Ambien Rage

To ********@gmail.com To Whom It May Concern, I need to get a price bid from you for some work I will need to complete soon.I'm hoping you're close enough that you'd be willing to help me out.  Here's the story. I had an owl in my yard which had been keeping me awake for several nights.  I live in the frozen tundra so it is not unusual to see all kinds of wildlife in my yard from time to time.  I have enough dynamite laying around my house that I don't have a problem dispatching these creatures without much incident.  This Owl was different.  It presented a number......

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A Letter to an Animal Psychic About an Unusual Owl Problem

To ****@********.com Hi J*****, I'm hoping you could give me a some input for a paper I am working on regarding the procedures for properly capturing and removing an owl.  I was just doing a little research via Google and your website popped up first so I thought I'd shoot you a line.  I live in the St. Louis area so I hope you'd be familiar with the native wildlife. I'm just wanting to understand the behavior patterns......

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A Letter to an Exorcist About My Wife

To Whom It May Concern, Hello, I came across your website as part of the research I am doing regarding what I would consider a mild, demonic possession.  I really hope I am just being paranoid.  So far it has been fairly livable but I am trying to nip this thing in the bud before it really swings into full steam. I started noticing things about my wife about a month ago that I considered unusual, even for her.  I have been assured by others that I am over reacting, but I think I may have a problem. The first of her symptoms is the most disturbing.  She insists......

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A Letter about Gas Prices, Second Attempt

To #######@##.com Hello ##, I think my previous email must have been misfiled because I have not heard back from you regarding my request.  I just wanted to check in to see if you had come up with any information for possible meeting times.  I had requested a meeting with whomever is in charge of setting the prices of gasoline in North America because I find him to be a mean and cruel person who seems intent on holding me down and forcibly sodomizing every dollar he can out of my already tender and swollen orifice.  I think if he just talks to me for a minute......

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Letter to a Psychic About Location My Brother, "Hey, He's not Dead! Why Would you Say That?!?!"

To: Psychic Medium ######  Subject: Inquiry About Your Psychic Service Hello Ms. #####, I've been doing a great deal of research and I believe you can help me with my problem. I hope you don't mind that I'm emailing you but I came across your website and I'm really at my wits end. I live in St. Louis so I'm just a short distance away.  I've been I in frequent need of a psychic so this could be a good arrangement. Here's my problem, my brother Carlos has hidden a great deal of my money and now that he is gone I can't seem to locate it anywhere. Knowing him he probably spent most......

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Dismantled Car, Bear Attack in the Woods

To Whom It May Concern, Could you send me the blueprint for a 1982 ford escort? I came home from vacation yesterday and my brother had dismantled mine and hid all of the parts in the woods behind my house. I finally found them all but now I have to figure out a way to get them back together. He pretty much took off every single nut and bolt. It was a pain finding them all, especially since he was following me around the whole time throwing chunks of raw fish at me. At first I couldn't understand why he chose raw fish.  I could think of countless things that would have been a more effective......

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, Shark Hunting in a Seal Suit With a Swiss Army Knife

To ######'s Customer Service: To Whom It May Concern, I am hoping you could give me some advice on shark hunting apparel. I've recently taken up hunting the beasts as a hobby but it would seem as if I'm going about this in the wrong fashion as I have already nearly been eaten 6 or 7 times. The chum I've been using seems to be overly effective and with that much blood in the water it's very difficult to see while I'm diving. Also, the net I made from my wife’s bathrobe is apparently not nearly big enough to effectively capture a shark. Those assholes are much bigger than they look on the Discovery......

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A Letter to a Yard Cleaning Service to Quote Cleaning Up After My Brother Carlos

To ######## Stl: Hello Mr. *****,I was wondering if you'd be willing to give me a price quote on an unusual situation.  Let me just start out by saying that I feel ridiculous even asking this question.Here's the situation; my brother has always been an eccentric but his recent behavior has made me consider having him involuntarily committed. He spends pretty much everyday drinking whiskey and shooting his gun at bats in the backyard.  That's nothing new.  He's been doing that for years. Thank god we live in the suburbs so no one really notices. The real problem is that he has now......

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Psychic Offers to Help Brad Find a Troublesome Ghost...Then Gets Really Angry

To: Psychic Dear Psychic, I am currently in search of a spiritual adviser. I am hoping this person will fulfill certain short comings in me and wife's life. She doesn't speak much and has recently stolen the neighbors microwave. It was a nice microwave but we wouldn't have much use for it so I had her return it. Most of my friends think she is possessed. I feel she is just not a very nice person. Either way I would like a professional to evaluate the situation. I would like some advice. Being a novice, I am not quite sure where to begin. I had an unusual upbringing and as a result my......

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JC Meet Maniac Looking for a Massage, (Next Time Don't Publish Your Email Address as a Male Masseuse)

To: jcnjcn1@mchsi.com To Whom It May Concern, I am leaving St. Louis and will be staying in the Springfield area from May 23 - May 27 on business. I would like to visit your establishment but I always write to make sure that certain accommodations can be made for my handicap. It is an easy request and I hope we can work together. I was born with a very large and cumbersome head. My head is nearly three times the size of a normal head. Yes, I am like all of those guys you have seen pictures of whom look like they are carrying balloons for their children; only when you look at the......

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