New ATM Ideas From a Maniac

From: Brad Fith 

To: ****, Lindsay

Subject: ATM Ideas

Hello Lindsay,

I have an interesting idea and I was told that you were the one I should contact. From what I understand, you work for the top company in the automated banking world so I'm sure that you can at least give me some insight or point me in the right direction.

I've come up with several ideas that would revolutionize the banking world!!! Most of them came to me in a dream I had a few months ago.  It was my first night at the mental hospital so I had a lot of time to reflect. Granted at the end of my dream the ATM ate my French poodle Larry, but the rest if the dream was very insightful. Larry is fine.

I have designed a prototype. It is an ATM that hands out money before you even tell it what to do.  Think of the time it will save! Basically, all you have to do is walk up to it and it will hand you $342.43. Your customer saves time and everyone is happy!! Then all you have to do is walk inside and let someone know the next time you go to the bank so they can keep track.

It will also shoot scalding hot ham and eggs at people wearing hooded swear shirts to help prevent theft.

Please let me know soon. If you give me the green light I can have designs on your desk by tomorrow morning.

Thanks,

Brad Fith

***

From: Brad Fith 

Sent: Monday, June 16, 2014 2:26 PM

To: *****, Lindsay

Subject: Re: ATM Ideas

I also forgot to mention, my design includes many features that will be standard in your new line.

1. There will be a beer holder on the ATM. Customers will no longer have to sit their beers down while making a transaction.

2. There will be a nacho dispenser in case your customers are hungry. I understand that hot cheese and beef might cause some minor burns and get messy but I feel the risk is worth the reward.

3. The ATM will be on wheels in case there is an issue. I want to be able to wheel it in to bank personnel to correct the problems. The nacho dispenser in my prototype keeps getting jammed so this will come in handy.

I have a patent on all these so please do not use them without my permission. If you could let me know I'd appreciate it. I can send you all the pictures and designs for these new products.

Thanks Again,

Brad

***

To Brad

From Matt ********

Hello Mr. Fith,

Please send me your resume.  Your ideas sound revolutionary and I will make every effort to get you in contact with our product design team.  I have often pondered what to do with my beer while using the Automated Teller Machine.  This idea could light this industry on fire. 

Regards,

Matt

***

From Brad Fith

To ****, Matt; ****, Lindsay 

What? Is this not engineering? I don't want a job at your company.  I'm sure it's great and all but I haven't worked since I dismantled my 1984 Ford Escort and sold it for parts on eBay. I've got plenty of money.  I just don't have a lot of free time to be hanging out all day at ATM machines. I just want to get this done to make my life easier. 

I've attached the design specs for my new ATM. Can you please forward them to someone in engineering?  They're pretty complex so if they need any assistance have them call me. Once it's complete let me know and I'll let you know where to ship it to. 

Regards,

Brad

***

From *****, Matt
To Brad Fith

Brad,

Allyson is our head of product engineering and development.  I copied her into this email so you can direct any inquiries regarding new products to her.  Thank you for your time and I wish you luck.

***

From: Brad Fith 

To All 

Thank you Matthew. You've been very helpful. I thought I was just going to get the runaround like the time my brother Carlos convinced me that he was going to help me paint my fence.  Instead sold my television to an angry, middle aged manicurist for $25 and cut down my neighbors tree because he wanted to get some sun and he said it was getting in his way.

You have been much more helpful than him.

Allyson,

Did Matt forward you my design plans? If not I can resend them. I also just had another brilliant idea that can help us appeal more to the younger demographic. I'm not sure how the licensing would work but what do you think of the design?

Thanks for your time. Talk too you soon.

Read more »

A Letter to a Forestry Service about Yard Work to Clean Up After a Lunatic Levels the Yard in an Ambien Rage

To ********@gmail.com

To Whom It May Concern,

I need to get a price bid from you for some work I will need to complete soon.I'm hoping you're close enough that you'd be willing to help me out. 

Here's the story. I had an owl in my yard which had been keeping me awake for several nights.  I live in the frozen tundra so it is not unusual to see all kinds of wildlife in my yard from time to time.  I have enough dynamite laying around my house that I don't have a problem dispatching these creatures without much incident. 

This Owl was different.  It presented a number of unique problems. Every night, the beast seemed to wait outside my window until I was ready for bed. Without fail, as soon as I readied for bed and laid my head down on the pillow, the crazed, flying predatory asshole would  begin its infernal nightly mating call ritual.  It was a maddening display of asshole-like behavior.  I began to try several different approaches to remedy the situation. 

I have read that owls are very intelligent creatures so I can only assume the prick was intentionally taunting me. It was enough to drive me crazy.  Last night I'm guessing that I just couldn't take it anymore.  I'm an animal lover so I'm sure I took all the proper precautions not to harm the asshole. The problem is, I don't know if you've ever tried to capture an owl, but it's difficult. 

Due to Ambien, I can't fully explain my decision to cut destroy all of the trees in my yard but now I'm stuck trying to get everything cleaned up before my wife gets home from vacation.  She is angry and typically very well armed. Plus, one of the larger trees fell into the living room and destroyed the television.  To make matters worse, my neighbors are now all filing charges. According to the police report I made quite a display with the chainsaw.  

Please supply me with a rough estimate of the cost associated for removing several dozen large stumps from my backyard and replanting them with trees of similar size? I'd like to make a decision as quickly as possible. I can supply photos if needed. 

Thanks,
Brad

***

To Me:

Hi Brad,

I feel for you and would like to help. Please send some photos of the situation to see what can be done. I hope you got rid of you owl problem.

Andy

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A Letter to an Animal Psychic About an Unusual Owl Problem

To ****@********.com

Hi J*****,

I'm hoping you could give me a some input for a paper I am working on regarding the procedures for properly capturing and removing an owl.  I was just doing a little research via Google and your website popped up first so I thought I'd shoot you a line.  I live in the St. Louis area so I hope you'd be familiar with the native wildlife. I'm just wanting to understand the behavior patterns of a certain beast so I can better describe it in my writing.

My inspiration came a few weeks ago when I noticed a rather large owl perched in the tree across from my window. At first I thought it was really cool, like in all the Native American legends of the wise and powerful owl. Unfortunately the owl was not wise at all. Turns out he's an obnoxious and dangerous predator that has been trying to eat my French poodle Larry since he arrived in our neighborhood. To make a long story short I have been trying to get rid of him for quite sometime.

So far all of my efforts to remove the creature have failed. I spent the better part of an evening removing the trees from my yard hoping it would go away. It did not.  I think it just pissed him off. Plus my brother was not happy after one of the larger trees crushed his 1974 Dodge Dart. I have no idea where the owl is living now but it has since heightened it's efforts to procure Larry for a meal and hoots outside of my window keeping me awake all night. I've also set up several dozen traps around the property but was forced to take them down after I mistakenly leveled the shed.

Please let me know any information that might be relevant. I will of course provide the proper attribution.

Thanks,

Brad

***

j*****@********.com

Hi Brad,

I can't really do a reading unless you have a headshot
of him/her where I can focus on the eyes.

Try this site   http://www.owlpages.com/

They have a piece of my artwork on their site,

but they are also "owl experts".

Good luck and keep a close eye on your pup!

Thanks, Janel

***

Hi J****,

Thank you for the quick response. The owl was again reigning down terror upon us last night. When I went out to photograph him the angry sky rodent swooped down and nearly decapitated poor Larry before flying off into the night. Luckily Larry was able to fend the bird off by rolling over and peeing on himself. 

Since I couldn't get a photograph of the owl I went ahead and drew a picture of the creature. Will this assist you in helping me find a solution to my problems. I'm sorry I'm not a very good artist. Please notice the blood around its talon and fang area. I included that so you know how dire the situation is. Let me know. 

Thanks,

Brad 

***

janel@theanimalpsychic.com

To Me

Hi Brad,

Very funny drawing.  Have you called animal control?

How about the forestry service?

Thanks, 

J****

***

Hi J*****,

I would have called animal control but my brother burned that bridge along time ago when he released a few hundred rats at our local Denny's. It was an accident but our relationship with the organization has been strained ever since.  I didn't think of the Forestry Service but that is a good idea. I'll shoot them an email to see what they think.  I'll let you know how it turns out and send you a copy of my paper if I ever get the thing done.  I'm hoping it will be a story of conquest and triumph.  Although, if Larry is carted away to his untimely, grotesque death my prose will be quite somber.  If I can snap a picture of the predator I'll let you know. 

Thanks,

Brad

j****@********.com

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A Letter to an Exorcist About My Wife

To Whom It May Concern,

Hello, I came across your website as part of the research I am doing regarding what I would consider a mild, demonic possession.  I really hope I am just being paranoid.  So far it has been fairly livable but I am trying to nip this thing in the bud before it really swings into full steam. I started noticing things about my wife about a month ago that I considered unusual, even for her.  I have been assured by others that I am over reacting, but I think I may have a problem.

The first of her symptoms is the most disturbing.  She insists on hunting her own food.  One night I awoke at 3:03 AM to an unbelievable scene as I peered through our bedroom window.  I saw her running on all fours, near the edge of the woods, with a little bunny rabbit hanging from her teeth.  She was being followed by a pack of, what looked like, wild coyotes.  Before I could get out of bed and down the stairs the pack had run into the woods and disappeared.  I asked her about it the next day and she, of course, denied it.  With this behavior I worry for the safety of our pet, French poodle Larry.

Also, our therapist doesn't seem to think it's big deal that my wife has painted a scantily clad self portrait on the side of our split-level home.  It only took her about a week but she didn't sleep a wink the whole time.  Every time I tried to get her down to eat she would pee.  In the picture she is giving big thumbs up, only wearing a black leather bikini and drinking a 12 ounce bottle of Coke Classic.  The strange part is that she has never even so much as sketched a doodle; this painting is life like even to the last detail.  I don't want the neighborhood kids knowing that she has a beauty mark on her right, inner thigh! 

I was wondering if you have ever heard of anything like this? She still seems, for the most part, pretty friendly so I am not sure I have anything to be alarmed about as of yet. Anyway, thanks for your time. Hope to hear from you soon.

Sincerely,

Brad Fith

***

Thomas C****** <******@frontiernet.net> wrote:

Hi Brad,

I just got your e-mail and I will gladly try to sort through with you. Give me a day or so to get back to you with some questions and ideas.

Tom C*****

FSPP

***

Dear Mr. C######,

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

I haven't been to work in a week.  Ever since I caught her trying to put our poodle into the oven, I have been afraid to leave the two of them alone together.  This is highly odd given that I she has not eaten anything but raw food for the past couple off weeks.  The good news is she is actually eating things from the grocery store again.  The bad news is she just ate an entire New York cut strip steak without cooking it.

I've taken her to the neighborhood sushi bar about a dozen times.  It seems to be the only other thing she will eat.  Anyway, thanks again for your time.

Sincerely,

Brad Fith

***

Thomas C****** <******@frontiernet.net> wrote:

Hi Brad,

I must say that by any standards, this is bizarre. I am going to need to ask you a bunch of questions so that we can attempt to figure out what is going on here. Here are some basics: how old is your wife? Do either of you practice a religion? Has she been baptized? Have either of you ever practiced any form of the occult?

Now, when this the odd behavior begin? Did it come on slowly or suddenly? What were the first signs? Have there been unusual disturbances in the house at all, things like objects moving, strange apparitions, etc. Does she ever speak in an odd language or with a noticeable accent? Have you told your therapist about eating raw meat? If so, what does he say about it? There is one inconsistency. if she likes raw meat, why would she try to put the poodle in the oven?

The first thing you need to do is keep a log of any strange activity in the home or any bizarre behavior on her part. If there are any patterns, we need to find them. Get some holy water and sprinkle it on her, yourself and the dog. Tell me how she reacts to it. Does she show an aversion to religious things? Lastly, where do you live?

Once I have some answers, we can explore this more deeply. Good luck.

***

Mr. C******,

Sorry it took so long to write you back.  It took a bit for me to receive the holy water I ordered over the Internet from a seller with a high enough customer satisfaction rating.  The good news is that it worked like a charm. I have never seen anyone get so angry in my life. 

Sensing I may have difficultly, I planned my attack with cunning.  I had to wait for the time she would least suspect it.  I threw a cup of holy water at her while she was watching her favorite show, Gilligan's Island.  She jumped out of her chair and began to scream expletives, the likes of which I have never heard.  I thought she was going to grow horns right then and there.  I ordered 36 more gallons of the stuff! 

   

I don't think she speaks any other languages.  To be honest she really doesn't talk that much at all.  She spends most of time in the attic nailing pictures of Larry to the ceiling and throwing hot cups of coffee on anyone who maybe unlucky enough to come by the door.    I really don't think she ever wanted to eat Larry.  I just think she really, really, doesn't like him.  It might be some type of territorial thing.  She is currently working on a new painting using only materials collected from her nose.

Upon your advice, I have contacted several churches to see if they will give us an interview for acceptance.  They must be pretty busy because I have yet to hear from any of them.  To be honest, I don't have a great deal of experience in the matter.  What religion is the best?  My parents were wandering hippies so I didn't get a lot of info on that sort of thing.  You mentioned the occult.  Is that better than a church?  I don't think I have heard good things about them but I will do some further research into the matter.

Sincerely,

Brad Fith

P.S.  I will keep you posted. 

Read more »

A Letter about Gas Prices, Second Attempt

To #######@##.com

Hello ##,

I think my previous email must have been misfiled because I have not heard back from you regarding my request.  I just wanted to check in to see if you had come up with any information for possible meeting times.  I had requested a meeting with whomever is in charge of setting the prices of gasoline in North America because I find him to be a mean and cruel person who seems intent on holding me down and forcibly sodomizing every dollar he can out of my already tender and swollen orifice.  I think if he just talks to me for a minute we can be friends and I can convince him that lowering gas prices is the way to go.  I am available via conference pretty much any day of the week that you could fit me in.

I don't mean to be a bother but I am planning on leaving my wife soon so I am going to need all the money I can save.  She is evil (perhaps possessed by some satanic force) so she will no doubt rake me over the coals.  Gas prices do seem to be going down at the moment.  That's great but I am still terrible with money so I’d like to save where I can.   I am just looking for any additional info you can give me.  At very least please supply me with coupons for either gas or your tasty sandwiches.  

Thanks,

Brad

***

The Service Request with SR#: '1-653881623' has been created.

This email has been automatically generated in response to your inquiry. We will be following up to your request. If your inquiry is immediate in nature, please call the appropriate number below and reference the above SR#.

If you wish to supply additional information or check on the status of your inquiry, please reply to this email or contact us via phone.

Thank you,

Business Service Center

Consumer Relations:

***

No Further Reponse

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Letter to a Psychic About Location My Brother, "Hey, He's not Dead! Why Would you Say That?!?!"

To: Psychic Medium ###### 
Subject: Inquiry About Your Psychic Service

Hello Ms. #####,

I've been doing a great deal of research and I believe you can help me with my problem. I hope you don't mind that I'm emailing you but I came across your website and I'm really at my wits end. I live in St. Louis so I'm just a short distance away.  I've been I in frequent need of a psychic so this could be a good arrangement.

Here's my problem, my brother Carlos has hidden a great deal of my money and now that he is gone I can't seem to locate it anywhere. Knowing him he probably spent most of it on large barrels of scotch whiskey, comic books or pirate themed carnival rides but I really have no way of knowing unless I talk to him.

I've already checked all of his normal hiding spots but my neighbor is getting angry that I keep digging holes in his yard. Any insight you could give me would be much appreciated.

Thank,

Brad Fith
***

From:##### 

Brad give me a few days to see if anything comes to me.

D#####

***

From Brad:

Thank you so much!! If you get ahold of him please let me know. I'm sure he's someplace laughing at me right now. Please tell him that only a lunatic would find this type of practical joke funny!! Granted, I don't think he planned on departing so abruptly but I still feel the joke was in poor taste. Oh and one more thing, tell him that I deleted all of episodes of 'Storage Wars' on the DVR.   They were taking up space and he will not need them anymore. 

Brad

Read more »

Dismantled Car, Bear Attack in the Woods

To Whom It May Concern,

Could you send me the blueprint for a 1982 ford escort? I came home from vacation yesterday and my brother had dismantled mine and hid all of the parts in the woods behind my house. I finally found them all but now I have to figure out a way to get them back together. He pretty much took off every single nut and bolt. It was a pain finding them all, especially since he was following me around the whole time throwing chunks of raw fish at me. At first I couldn't understand why he chose raw fish.  I could think of countless things that would have been a more effective means of torture and served him better as comedic aide as he recounted the story to his friends.  That was before I was chased for several miles by a large bear and pecked many times by several species of birds.  Carlos thinks he is quite the comedian.

Putting the vehicle together has proven to be quite difficult. Any help would be appreciated.

Thanks, 

Brad Fith

***

RE: Web Site - ####### Customer Service

Dear Mr. Fith,

Thank you for taking the time to contact us. on our website, we do offer several different type of repair guides which you can access by creating a ####### account. However, we do not have the actual blueprints for a given vehicle. In this situation, we would advise you to contact the manufacturer of your vehicle for further assistance.

Thank you for your business.

RC

Read more »

, Shark Hunting in a Seal Suit With a Swiss Army Knife

To ######'s Customer Service:

To Whom It May Concern,

I am hoping you could give me some advice on shark hunting apparel. I've recently taken up hunting the beasts as a hobby but it would seem as if I'm going about this in the wrong fashion as I have already nearly been eaten 6 or 7 times. The chum I've been using seems to be overly effective and with that much blood in the water it's very difficult to see while I'm diving. Also, the net I made from my wife’s bathrobe is apparently not nearly big enough to effectively capture a shark. Those assholes are much bigger than they look on the Discovery Channel. 

Yesterday I had to fight a pack of the giant, ugly bastards away with my Swiss Army knife. I think they were Great Whites but, admittedly, I have limited knowledge of aquatic life. Either way, the things were huge and had sharp teeth. Could you please recommend to me a good hunting setup that would fit onto my 10' fishing boat?  I would like to know specifically what to do the next time a group of large sharks swims up to attack me in the open water. Also, are there any alternative for attracting sharks other than covering myself in in cow’s blood and dressing in a seal suit? My wife said that’s the best way.

Thanks,

Brad

***

Hello Brad,

I am sorry we do not carry clothing specific to shark hunters. I do not have any suggestions or any other manufacturers who maybe able to assist you.

Thank you for visiting #####.com  and come back soon! 

Sincerely,
Chris H.

Read more »

A Letter to a Yard Cleaning Service to Quote Cleaning Up After My Brother Carlos

To ######## Stl:

Hello Mr. *****,

I was wondering if you'd be willing to give me a price quote on an unusual situation.  Let me just start out by saying that I feel ridiculous even asking this question.

Here's the situation; my brother has always been an eccentric but his recent behavior has made me consider having him involuntarily committed. He spends pretty much everyday drinking whiskey and shooting his gun at bats in the backyard.  That's nothing new.  He's been doing that for years. Thank god we live in the suburbs so no one really notices. The real problem is that he has now taken to relieving his bowels in my front yard when he gets drunk.  He says it too hot to go inside to use the bathroom. It was fine the first few times but now the entire yard is covered in foul smelling land mines. I refuse to clean it up and every time I ask him about it he just gets mad then goes out and does it again. It's maddening!!!

Is this type of service something you can help me with? I'd be willing to pay top dollar given the circumstances.

Thanks,

Brad Fith

***

Brad,

Interesting situation, but I'm afraid it's not the weirdest thing we have had to deal with.

I would quote it as a once per week with a very big dog which is $16 per week.

However, since you mention that he is drunk and shooting guns, that is not a situation I would put one of my Techs into.

Good luck.

K** ******
D****** STL

******@d*****.com
1-314-***-**** STL Office
1-800-***-**** National Call Center

Read more »

Psychic Offers to Help Brad Find a Troublesome Ghost...Then Gets Really Angry

To: Psychic

Dear Psychic,

I am currently in search of a spiritual adviser. I am hoping this person will fulfill certain short comings in me and wife's life. She doesn't speak much and has recently stolen the neighbors microwave. It was a nice microwave but we wouldn't have much use for it so I had her return it. Most of my friends think she is possessed. I feel she is just not a very nice person. Either way I would like a professional to evaluate the situation.

I would like some advice. Being a novice, I am not quite sure where to begin. I had an unusual upbringing and as a result my parents never offered any religious guidance. They traveled with a vagrant clan of desert carnival workers. My exposure to most religions was limited to the occasional unorganized fire dance and livestock sacrifice. I don’t consider watching a bearded woman get drunk and lead a prayer circle with the guy that runs the dunk tank a fulfilling experience. She normally only prayed if she was planning on juggling chainsaws or jumping a motorcycle over a pit of alligators or something of that nature. I'm not sure who she prayed to but it seldom worked.

Perhaps you can help me find a religion, preferably one that can perform a simple exorcism. I only have one fear. My brother Carlos told me that there are some religions that to become a member I would have to find the tears of rattle snake and to wrestle a tiger for his fangs. I am pretty sure he was joking but I am looking for one that does not require such acts. I do not feel that my wife, although a proven hunter, has the time or the patience to collect these items. She angers easily and does not like snakes. Also, it is a good idea that I stay close to holy water at all times due to my wife's condition. Do you think you could help me out?

I see you also do Voodoo. That could come in very handy as there are quite a few people that I dislike.

Sincerely,

Brad Fith

***

From: B.Lane
To: Brad Fith

Brad you will need to get a reading before I can begin working with you. I need to see what the spirits say.

***

From: Brad Fith
To: Psychic

Dear S********,

Thank you for your quick response. Sure, getting a reading is no problem at all. Where do I get one of those? I am fairly certain my house is haunted so I should be able to find a spirit somewhere. From what I have observed they are not talkative but I will surely give it a try. The only thing they seem to like to do is watch television, curse a lot and drink my whiskey. Friendly they are not. Is this something I can handle by myself or should I enlist the help of my brother Carlos?

Thanks,

Brad Fith

***

From: Brad Fith  
To: Psychic; G Fith, Carlos Fith  

Carlos and Greg,  

I have contacted a Spiritual Adviser about my problem. I think I need to have you help me do a reading at once. It seems like every few days something else happens to make me realize that I have a serious problem!! Last night I bought the Ouija board as you suggested. Nothing happened...at first. But I think I unleashed some kind of foul demon that has blackened the very core of my existence. Here is the story.  

Yesterday I was in the front yard trying to cut down the light pole. Carlos, I know I've complained about it before but for Greg's reference it shines right in my bedroom window. No one from the transportation department seems to know who put it there so they gave me permission to remove it. This is much more difficult than you might expect without the proper tools. I found that out the hard way but that is another story.   

It was dusk. I was outside trying to figure out how I was going to get the thing cut. I was drenched in sweat. It was one of the hottest days of the year. Suddenly, I could feel someone's eyes digging into my back. Chills went up my spine as my mouth went dry. I turned slowly. My eyes met Larry's. He was looking at my through the living room window. His eyes seemed to glow from intensity. This is not the same dog I once knew. The window was open, I could hear him snarl at my every move. After several minutes of posturing I finally turned to continue working. This was a mistake. Just as I raised my large handcrafted woodsman axe Larry ran out of the house and bit hard on my ankle. His legs carried him swiftly across the grass, faster than I have ever seen him move. He is very strong for a French poodle. He wouldn't let go!! His teeth dug in like I was a Beggin' Strip. I fell to the ground. The harder I shook the more he tightened his grip. I think he could taste the blood and he liked it. He liked it a lot.  

From there things quickly got worse. I felt an explosion of pain, as if my head had blown up, followed by the gentle ooze of something warm streaming down my back. Out of nowhere eggs had started flying at me. It was yoke. One of them had hit me square in the back of the head. I struggled to turn only to see the Swiss Nazis that live across the street!! They had seen the commotion and decided to capitalize on it. This is worse than when they occupied France. I'm so glad we won the war! I couldn't imagine if those little maniacs had taken over. These Nazis aren't even full grown and they are downright evil!!!  

I was blinded by eggs and fur. That's when the door to my house flew open. It was my wife! As far as I was concerned she was bathed in angelic light, around her head a halo hung. She stood holding a broom in the doorway. My savior had finally come. She ran towards us, full sprint.  

This is when thing went from worse to downright depressing. She did not hit the poodle or the Nazis. She hit me!! She was fully nude, laughing like a banshee and repeatedly hitting me in the head. She hit me with passion and vigor. There was spit coming from her mouth with every blow. Her eyes were empty and crazy. I haven't seen her show so much emotion in a long time. Sure, it slightly turned me on but what in the hell was going on?!?!  

I don't even remember how I escaped. When I awoke I was nude and in the turnip garden. My ankle was bleeding, my head was throbbing and I was covered in egg yolk. Worst of all my sunglasses were lost and my cigarette was no longer lit.  

What in the world is going on around my house!?!?! There are evil spirits, ghouls and horrible beast spewing evil and making everyone crazy. You are a couple of smart guys. Help me figure this out and get this reading to the good sister so I can get this taken care of!!! Do you have any suggestions?  

Thanks,  

Brad Fith  

***  

From: Carlos Fith  
To: Brad Fith, G Fith, Psychic  

Brad,  

Carlos is not amused. Carlos would like you to stop with all this ghost nonsense. Carlos believes that you have an angry wife problem and Carlos believes that she might be cheating on you. Carlos witnessed on Wednesday June, 22 at 2:53:34 p.m. a pool cleaning van pull up to your house and two men came out of the front of the van and another from the back. It was about 3:47:13 that Carlos realized Brad does not even own a pool but Mrs. Fith seemed generally happy with whatever job they had done.  

Carlos would also like to say that backing into a light pole with your car while singing 'Sweet Home Alabama' is not what the transportation department had in mind when they gave you permission to remove the light pole. Your neighbors are not Swiss Nazis, you just think that because you thought it would be a good idea to shave their heads in the middle of the night after they showed you up in a one arm push up contest and they enjoyed the hair style and kept it ever since.  

Your poodle hates you because well to be honest everyone hates you, you are a very easy person to hate Brad. Carlos wishes you did have a ghost, then at least you might move out of your house and stop being Carlos' neighbor.  

Your Loving Brother,  

Carlos Fith  

***

From: Psychic
To: Brad Fith

I'm sorry. My mother is not taking cases right now.

***  

From: Brad Fith  
To: Carlos Fith, G Fith, Psychic 

Carlos,  

Does this mean you are not going to help me? We really need to get this reading together quickly. Things are starting to fall apart.  

Sincerely,  

Brad Fith

***

From: Psychic

To: Carlos Fith

DO NOT contact me ANYMORE!


***

From: Carlos Fith  

To: Brad Fith, G Fith, Psychic 

Brad,

Carlos believes that you have made the good sister mad.  Carlos believes this is because you are of substandard intelligence.  Now Carlos thinks you need to get rid of the ghosts yourself.  Carlos will be over later with a bottle of whiskey to get drunk and watch your wife do crazy things.

Adios,

Carlos

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JC Meet Maniac Looking for a Massage, (Next Time Don't Publish Your Email Address as a Male Masseuse)

To: jcnjcn1@mchsi.com

To Whom It May Concern,

I am leaving St. Louis and will be staying in the Springfield area from May 23 - May 27 on business. I would like to visit your establishment but I always write to make sure that certain accommodations can be made for my handicap. It is an easy request and I hope we can work together.

I was born with a very large and cumbersome head. My head is nearly three times the size of a normal head. Yes, I am like all of those guys you have seen pictures of whom look like they are carrying balloons for their children; only when you look at the picture long enough you realize that it is really their head. I love my head, but there are those who think that it looks funny.  They frequently make faces and harass me. It has been a constant burden. Even something as simple as getting a haircut also poses horrifying problems.  A simple trim can take several hours and my barber generally charges me extra.

Here are the things I will need from you: 

I would like for your staff not to point and stare at my head. It makes me uncomfortable. Furthermore, my head is my business. On occasion I have been poked with sticks so people can see if my head is actually real. I assure you that it is. There will be no need to poke me with anything. Also, I will pay extra if your staff will not attempt to tip me. Yes my head is big.  Yes it is much easier to tip me over. Please don't.

I would also like an attendant to be extra careful to keep the ice machine operational. Sometimes during warmer weather my head swells and I really like to keep it packed with ice at all times. The last thing I need is for my head to get any bigger.

If this poses any problem please let me know so I can make other arrangements.

Sincerely,
Brad Fith

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How did you get this e-mail address for a spa?

jcn

***

To: jcnjcn1@mchsi.com

Hello JC,

Do you do massage therapy?  I am just a little confused. 

Sincerely,

Brad Fith 

***

To: jcnjcn1@mchsi.com

JC,

OK I get it.  You retired and are no longer in the massage therapy business.  You, however, seem like a nice enough guy.  With your connections, can you at least help me locate someone in the area?  I will pay top dollar for a good mud bath and hot towel treatment, given someone can find a big enough towel to fit over my head.

Please help me out.

Brad Fith 

***

Brad,

First of all I'm not trying to be rude here. I would like to know where you got my e-mail address. What is it address associated too?  

***

To: jcnjcn1@mchsi.com

Dear JC,

I am a little bit confused.  I have never had this many problems trying to book a spa appointment before.  I can only assume that it has to do with my handicap.  I have dealt with this type of prejudice before, and I am sure it will not be the last time. 

Back in high school I had a bully named Leroy.  He was the son of a Jewish doctor and very popular with the ladies at West Sturgeon High. He also had quite a sense of humor.  He used to think it was funny to put my head in a vice grip during shop class.  To make matters worse my teacher, Mr. Freehand, would encourage him by calling the class over to stare and laugh. 

Once, Leroy put super glue on my hands and made me grab my cheeks.  It was a dark day in my life.  I was forced to take drastic measures to preserve my dignity.  I spent the entire day acting like I was doing an impression of Macaulay Culkin in the popular Home Alone movie franchise.  

I just think it would be nice if you could be honest with me.  I wish there was something I could do to change your mind.  It might be a big step for handicap people everywhere.  You're right, I guess the reason I exist is so people like you and Leroy can perform experiments on me like you're the next Josef Mengele.

You could at least be honest.  Are you the owner?  I would like to know what he thinks about this.  If you could pass me his e-mail address I would appreciate it.

Sincerely,

Brad Fith 

***

I really don’t need to know about your head.  If you could answer the question about the e-mail address. How did you get it? In a magazine is what I’m getting from you? "Prejudice" I assure you sir I’m not in the least bit interested in your handicap. You help me & I will see what I can do to find you some reference to a Spa.

Thank you.

***

To: jcnjcn1@mchsi.com

Dear JC,

My wife just left me for Japanese sushi chef named Chuck.  He is a nice fellow but he has terrible acne and he is missing an eye.  So please, allow me access to your spa.   

Although I am upset, I am almost grateful about my wife.  Lately she was spending most of her time trying to light the house on fire and leaving droppings in my dress shoes. 

At first I thought it was funny.  Then, I thought she was possessed. I came to this conclusion after I had returned home from the local Lizard of the Month Club's semi weekly Symposium and she had covered the walls with mashed potatoes saying that she was trying to keep the Jesus from hearing her thoughts. 

I don’t know what else I could have done to accommodate her.  I was already sleeping out on the patio because she claimed that with her new wolf like senses I smelled like a piece of tender beef.  She said this made her very hungry.  I slept outside in a sleeping bag during some of the worst snow storms the state has ever seen.  Do I get a thank you?  No.  Instead she runs off with Chuck.

There has been good to come out of this situation though.  My French poodle Larry is very happy.  On several occasions she tried to put him in our neighbor’s daughter’s Easy Bake Oven.  I guess our neighbor’s daughter is probably pretty happy as well.  Still, I thought, with therapy we could work things out.

If I sent pictures of my head do think you could pass them on to your boss?  Maybe he would show some compassion. 

Sincerely,

Brad Fith

***

 

Well Brad it sounds like your life really sucks.

From what I can tell ol' Chuck isn't getting enough fish at work.

The replies I've sent you are just one question that you chose not to answer. Instead you want to send me stories on how your lousy life is affected by not being able to be booked at a spa. 

I hope you can get this through your Thick skull (no Pun intended).

Does this place you obtained this e-mail address have a phone number attached to it? What’s the name of the Spa? Did it ever occur to you to pick up a damn phone and call this spa? I hope you find what you’re looking for.

Maybe you could send me pictures of your wife instead.

Because sir, I am the Boss.

This will be my last response to you so there is No need to respond anymore.

Have A Good Day (no pressure).

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